I've written several short stories for McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the daily humor website:
Rude Goldberg Contraptions: A series of dominoes fall, knocking over a marble that rolls off a ledge, landing on a seesaw that tips downwards, dangling a piece of cheese in front of a gerbil that runs on a hamster wheel, unfurling a roll of toilet paper into a trash can, leaving an empty cardboard tube in the bathroom that you’ll have to replace even though you weren’t the person who used it up.
I Dance Like I Have Two Left Feet: The heartbreaking story of a man who can't dance or run or play soccer, but is a thumbwrestling/Scrabble champion.
This Standoff Has Gone On Long Enough: Cops and robbers and part-time magicians.
Beyond the 4th Wall: A sitcom writer breaks the fourth wall.
10 Ways a Conga Line is Exactly Like a Cult: Did you join because you felt alone, wanted to be part of something larger than yourself, or were looking for some direction in your life?
8 Ways Your Facebook Profile is Exactly Like a Serial Killer's Lair: Incoherent rambling scribbled on the walls. Magazine clippings. Blurry photos of body parts and substances which may or may not be food.
Mirror Scare Variations: If you're a character in a horror movie and you're about to close the medicine cabinet above the sink, watch out behind you.
Color-Coded Guide to Bomb Disposal: Cut the red wire. Leave the yellow wire. Wait, this other wire is kind of turquoise. My manual doesn't say anything about that. Is that more of a blue or a green?
9 Movie Reasons Why You're Bleeding Right Now: Is your nose bleeding? Then you just traveled through time.
21 Ways to Kill the Villain of a Long-Running Horror Franchise: Part 1: Shoot the monster. Part 2: Cut the monster in half. Part 3: Blow up the monster (in 3D). Part 8: Shoot the monster (found-footage style).
Super exclusive humor essays which aren't published anywhere else:
Our Family Camping Trip: I'm so excited to take you and the kids camping next week! I got our sleeping bags out of the closet, I finished packing the hiking gear, and I already hired a hobo to hide in the woods and wait for us.
Fun and Games for After Someone Loses an Eye: "Eye-Spy" is a new twist on an old classic.
The Hunter Becomes...: The Hunter becomes the Hunted, then a Tree, then the Hunter again, and then a Pelican.
Movies with Alternate Middles: Everyone's heard of movies with alternate endings. But you may not know that the following films originally had alternate middles.
Thank You for the Opportunity to Interview with Your Company: What can I bring to the table? Many things, including chairs, briefcases, and bagged lunches. If there is free food available, I may even bring friends who don’t work here.
Your Goatee Makes You Look Like an Evil Submarine Captain: Why did you grow that thing in the first place? Thought it would make you look cool? Well you’re wrong. There’s nothing cool about submarines, except maybe for bathyspheres, but that’s all.
Man's Best Friend: They say that a dog is a man's best friend, but they're wrong: I'm a man, and my best friend is Steve. He's a better friend than a dog could ever be. If I want to hang out, I can call Steve any time, day or night, and he'll be right over, as long as it's not night.
Nobody Said it Would be Easy: If somebody did say that it would be easy, they were lying. Sorry to get your hopes up. Please keep your hopes in plain sight and lower them, slowly.
Message in a Bottle: I know what you’re thinking: “A message in a bottle? How clichéd." Just give me a moment of your time, and then you can get right back to boogie-boarding.
Easy Money: All you need is a ski-mask.
I'm the Monster that Lives Under the Monster that Lives Under Your Bed: This is the fourth time this week that you've woken me up. That thing that went bump in the night yesterday? It was me hitting my ceiling with a broom handle to quiet you down.
I also wrote a serialized superhero parody called "In Case of Hooks" over the course of several hundred tweets on Twitter. It was written entirely in the form of instructions on a warning sign, but eventually involved a cast of characters, several villains, time travel, parallel universes, fight scenes, and more.
- In case of fire, break glass.
- In case of glass, cover head.
- If no hands to shield head with, seek immediate medical attention for lack of hands.
- In case of locked door obstructing route to hospital, locate hooks.
- If hooks found, use hooks as temporary hand replacements, and use hook-hands to open door.